Learning to listen, really listen
Ever played Chinese whispers? You know, where someone whispers a message to one person, who then passes it on?
If your Chinese whispers games are like most, by the time the whisper has passed through half a dozen people, it's barely recognisable as the original message.
Effective listening is a learned skill.
It's a product of attention, practice and a commitment to communication.
Good listening is about shutting down the other conversations going on your head – judgements about the person who's speaking, thoughts about remembering to buy the milk on the way home, or the 20 page report you still have to write before you leave that day.
Here's some tips for being a good listener:
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Look them in the eye – it will help you concentrate, and it will also give the speaker confidence that you are paying attention
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Paraphrase what they have said; “So what you're really saying is ...”. If you haven't got it right, it gives the speaker a chance to clarify or correct you. The interaction also builds rapport.
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Listen for the intention, not the words. What are they really trying to say? Is there any underlying need being expressed? For example, a customer comes into a shop and asks for a raincoat. Don't assume it's for them – ask. If it turns out to be for their teenage daughter, find out what they need the raincoat for – going to and from school, or a week's camp in the bush. The underlying need is very different.
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Where appropriate, take notes. This can work well in an office or meeting situation.
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Create a suitable venue. For example, if you need to have a conversation about staffing or performance, make sure the venue is private and undisturbed.
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See things from their point of view. Try to put yourself in their shoes. They may not be expressing themselves clearly, but what does their body language and words convey about how they are feeling?
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Look for a win/win. Get off win/lose. Forget about someone being right and someone being wrong. Look at what's possible, and how can the issue, need or problem be addressed in a way that works for everyone.
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Reaffirm the speaker. There is nothing that guarantees rapport better than acknowledging the person who is speaking. This can particularly be true in a hostile situation. For example “Mrs Jones, I can see that you have had a bad experience with this. I totally understand that you feel angry and frustrated. Let me see what I can do to help...”. This kind of approach immediately deflates hostility and lays the groundwork for positive engagement.
Being a good listener is all about listening to what people are actually trying to communicate, rather than just the words they are using.
To talk to me about improving listening skills in your organisation or other customer service, motivation or communication skills, email maggie@parexcellence.net.au or phone 0402 301 402.
I offer consulting, audits, training, facilitation and video programs to transform your organisation's customer service.
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